Dave's lovely sister and her charming fiance got married in August. I've always wanted to give a proper speech at a wedding and Dave said I should. I countered with he should for his sister. So he sat down, wrote a speech, let me give it a bit of an edit, and it came out looking like this. I originally had this posted to another blog, but it has long since passed on, so I thought I'd repost it here.
Megan, Chris. This is a great time! You guys should do this again.
To start, I want to thank Megan and Chris' fantastic friends who have worked so, so hard at planning and throwing this celebration. What a fantastic night!
So for those of you who don't know me - my name is Dave. I'm Megan's larger brother and I'd like to share humiliating stories about my sister. I'd like to, except I don't know any.
My sister is graceful in any situation and harder to embarrass than common decency permits. When she is ridiculous, she is ridiculous intentionally and with good humour. When she is mad, she is mad for good and righteous reasons and somebody, probably Chris, must pay. It makes for one hell of a sister, but a difficult wedding speech. I'll try anyways.
Megan was born in [redacted], 1984 as a tribute to the first recording of Old Man River. To be honest, there have been better looking babies. To clarify, I mean Megan, not Old Man River. Red, wrinkly, pointy head, bad temper - all of those things – again, Megan. I'll mention that I was a beautiful baby and could have been a model.
I still don't know what happened.
My mother, a progressive and smart lady, had grown up a tom boy and was forced against her will to play with dolls and wear frilly dresses. So she was well-prepared to let any daughter of hers play with as many trucks as she wanted. Mum knew she had failed when she caught Megan putting a frilly dress on the big yellow Tonka. Though to Megan’s credit, that dress really brought out the lug nuts.
This was an early warning sign that Megan was made up entirely of recessive genes. God knows Dad and I couldn’t get that dress to work.
The family loves Megan, though we sometimes fail to understand her - much to her great frustration. While my parents and I are scruffy intellectuals who were late bloomers socially, my sister was born pretty, graceful, and charismatic. I have been forced to note that my wife did not want me to call my mother scruffy. Sorry, Mum.
Take our hobbies as teenagers, for example. Megan: gifted dancer. Dave: trombone.
Some of us tend to stick at a mental age for a while - I found seventeen and stuck with it for a good six years. Meanwhile I had a sibling with a thirty-six year old mind in a thirteen year old body. This became awkward by Megan’s twenty second birthday.
I think all of us in the family were also a little unaware of the effect she had on other people. One day, back when we were all teenagers, I had a talk with some friends closer to Megan's age, and let them know how cool it was they weren't attracted to my sister, 'cause that would be way weird. I found out later that every single one of them was secretly in love with her. If anyone needs me after this speech, I’ll be out back, getting my butt kicked by [redacted].
But these things are fleeting, and the man she's married is one of the best I've ever met. Some would say I've lost a sister but no, not at all. I... have gained a cook.
Though to be fair, Chris is far more than a brilliant cook. He can throw rocks really far. He knows all of the lyrics and both of the chords for every Ramones song. And he can fit in a dog crate with a scared puppy. Gaz loves you, man!
Nobody quite has his sense of humour – thank God. He works harder than anyone I've ever met, and almost tops Megan in terms of sensible planning and maturity. I married my delightful wife Tracy after a six year wait and these two have to show me up as the irresponsible fool who rushed in. Megan and Chris? Ten. TEN YEARS. These two were an established couple back when pogs were still cool.
But... I respect that. Megan and Chris' grace, maturity, humour, and intelligence are unmatched. They are so kind, and have never once made me feel out of place, even if I was from time to time. I may have stuck on how Megan is different, but in her I see my parents' kindness, wit, and brilliant mind. I've learned so much from her and I'm a far better person for having known her.
And Chris, I'd welcome you to the family, but you've been family since I met you.
When Megan was first dating Chris, he came to a party where some of us had made food and I made a gazpacho with a butter knife, a brick, and two liters of Windex.
And I poisoned him.
Actually, I didn't. He praised my efforts, told me it was delicious, and since then has always encouraged me to cook and love food. He also taught me to replace with Windex with tomatoes. Teacher and brother, he's great at both.
Nobody could ask to know two better people. Little sister, this is your day, and I love you. Please join me in a toast to Megan “Old Man River” Powell and Chris “Get a Streak-Free Shine” Nielsen!
The speech went over well. Dave is definitely his mother's son. His delivery was on. He wasn't nervous, he didn't fidget, there was a distinct lack of um-ing that would make any hockey player take note. I so proud of him. I kind of wanted to stand up and shout ladies, he's mine!
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